Wednesday, January 28, 2009

As the world holds its breath...

Presenting...the 2008 Golden Steve Awards.

Far and away the most coveted of motion picture accolades, Golden Steves are frequently described as the Oscars without the politics. Impervious to bribery, unreceptive to ballyhoo, disgusted by sentiment and riddled with integrity, this committee of one might legitimately be termed “fair-mindedness incarnate.” Over 100 of the year’s most acclaimed features were screened prior to the compilation of this ballot. First, a few caveats:

1) Owing to a lifelong suspicion of prime numbers, each category (save Best Animated Feature) is comprised of six nominees, not five.
2) Several of the works under scrutiny received international distribution before January 1, 2008. However, they were unavailable to American audiences and thus ineligible for Golden Steve consideration until now.
3) This list is in no way connected with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences—a fact that should be apparent from its acumen. Please look elsewhere for Oscar predictions.

And now, the worthy honorees:

Best Picture
The Edge of Heaven
Let the Right One In
My Winnipeg
The Wrestler

Best Director
Fatih Akin, The Edge of Heaven
Tomas Alfredson, Let the Right One In
Darren Aronofsky, The Wrestler
Matteo Garrone, Gomorra
Mike Leigh, Happy-Go-Lucky
Guy Maddin, My Winnipeg

Best Actor
Michael Fassbender, Hunger
Brendan Gleeson, In Bruges
Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Best Actress
Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky
Maria Heiskanen, Everlasting Moments
Melissa Leo, Frozen River
Kristin Scott Thomas, I’ve Loved You So Long
Galina Vishnevskaya, Alexandra
Michelle Williams, Wendy and Lucy

Best Supporting Actor
Michel Blanc, The Witnesses
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Ralph Fiennes, The Duchess
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Eddie Marsan, Happy-Go-Lucky
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road

Best Supporting Actress
Penelope Cruz, Vicki Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis, Doubt
Martina Gedeck, The Baader Meinhof Complex
Ann Savage, My Winnipeg
Hanna Schygulla, The Edge of Heaven
Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler

Best Screenplay--Adapted
The Class (Francois Begaudeau, Robin Campillo)
Everlasting Moments (Niklas Radstrom)
Frost/Nixon (Peter Morgan)
Gomorra (Maurizio Braucci, Ugo Chiti, et al)
Let the Right One In (John Ajvide Lindqvist)
Tell No One (Guillaume Canet and Philippe Lefebvre)

Best Screenplay--Original
The Edge of Heaven (Fatih Akin)
Happy-Go-Lucky (Mike Leigh)
Milk (Dustin Lance Black)
My Winnipeg (Guy Maddin and George Toles)
Revanche (Gotz Spielmann)
The Wrestler (Robert D. Siegel)

Best Animated Feature
Chicago 10 (Brett Morgen)
$9.99 (Tatia Rosenthal)
WALL-E (Andrew Stanton)
Waltz With Bashir (Ari Folman)

Best Non-Fiction Film
Bigger, Stronger, Faster (Chris Bell)
Chris and Don: A Love Story (Tina Mascara and Guido Santi)
Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (Kurt Kuenne)
Encounters at the End of the World (Werner Herzog)
Trouble the Water (Carl Deal and Tia Lessin)
Up the Yangtze (Yung Chang)

Best Foreign Language Film
The Class (Laurent Cantet)
The Edge of Heaven (Fatih Akin)
Everlasting Moments (Jan Troell)
Gomorra (Matteo Garrone)
Let the Right One In (Tomas Alfredson)
Revanche (Gotz Spielmann)

Best Original Song
"Dracula's Lament," Forgetting Sarah Marshall (Jason Segel)
"Little Person," Synecdoche, New York (Charlie Kaufman, Jon Brion)
"Once in a Lifetime," Cadillac Records (Ian Dench, Amanda Ghost, Beyonce Knowles)
"Trouble the Water," Trouble the Water (Kimberly Rivers Roberts)
"Up to Our Nex," Rachel Getting Married (Robyn Hitchcock)
"The Wrestler," The Wrestler (Bruce Springsteen)


3NT said...

Does the person who correctly predicts your selections win a trip to Mexico? I would hope so; but I'll also settle for a trip to a bar where they know how to make a martini nice and dry.

Best Picture: My Winnipeg

Best Director: Guy Maddin

Best Actor: Mickey Rourke

Best Actress: Sally Hawkins

Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger (you dirty bleeding heart)

Best Supporting Actress: Marissa Tomei

Best feel-like-you're-doing-something-by-sitting-on-your-ass-in-an-air-conditioned-movie-theater-while-you-get-ideologically-sodomized: Slumdog Millionaire

harrylime said...

Actually, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Since I, too, am submitting predictions, you shouldn't get your hopes up. Second prize is a set of steak knives, which I suspect could be exchanged for a splash of gin. Anybody want to see third prize?

Truth at 24 agrees with all its dirty bleeding heart on your Slumdog swipe. And as long as we're handing out raspberries...

Most self-important, self-indulgent, self-defeating slam on the notion of transcendent auteur genius...the nominees are:

Be Kind, Rewind (Michel Gondry)
Burn After Reading (The Coen Brothers)
Changeling (Clint Eastwood)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (David Fincher)
Revolutionary Road (Sam Mendes)
Slumdog Millionaire (Danny Boyle)

3NT said...

What a cinematic disgrace on Sunday. A sartorial disgrace, too, for the most part.

Well, disgrace might be too harsh. Maybe I should just say that I just wasn't that into the Oscars and leave it at that. No, alas; I cannot let lying dogs lie, or wretchedly dying dogs (as in the case The Spirit of the Oscars—or the Human Spirit) die. So, I've devised an award ceremony of my own. In an effort to disrupt (everyone's, but primarily Mr. Lime's) fantasies, I'm consciously eliding the time usually allowed for anticipation. Below, then, are my categories, my nominees, and my winners. (Proviso: the nominational decisions were difficult, because at times field of possibilities was very, very sweeping, and at others, very, very narrow; also, I have no respect for arbitrary temporal boundaries, such as, e.g., the films' being from the last calendar year.)

Best Commentary On Global Capitalism:
- The Wrestler
- Zack and Miri Make a Porno
- Hostel, Part II
- Serbis
- Frozen River

Winner: Serbis

Most Acute Signifier of the Death of American Feminism:
- Sex and the City
- Shopaholic
- Bride Wars
- He's Just Not That Into You

Winner: Sex and the City (The other three are all splendid examples of run-of-the-mill-bad, patriarchal films; but on Sex and the City managed such a sublime display of pseudo-empowerment.)

Worst Franchising Decision That Will Most Likely Go Unpunished Because People Are Non-discerning:
- The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
- Forrest Gump 2 (I think the release title was "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")
- Saw V

Winner: Forrest Gump 2 (Shame on you, David Fincher. You are so eminently talented and perceptive; what the fuck happened?)

Most Awful Fashion Selection For Oscar Night:
- Angelina Jolie (Earrings and ring borrowed from a crackerjack box in 1952)
- Nicole Kidman (Feather dress reminiscent of Bjork, except that NK is not bizarre and icelandic)
- Phillip Seymour Hoffman (looked like a a homeless man)
- Sophia Loren (Has her life been continuous, or has she died and been put back together by mad scientists who also designed her dress? It's very unclear.)

Winner: Angelina Jolie (I'm sorry, but you're one of the most attractive people on earth. No bloody excuse.)

Worst Actor of All Time (Lifetime Achievement Award):
- Keanu Reeves
- Paris Hilton
- Dennis Rodman
- Kirsten Dunst

Winner: Kirsten Dunst (Fuck her and everything she's ever done. Even as a child in Interview with the Vampire, where all she had to do was perform deceitful innocence, she sucked.)